portmanteaus | 3:09 PM >

So much has occurred in my life since the trip down south that I'll stick to summing things up instead of explaining in full.

For ye slackers what only check my Flickr account when I post pics here, behold the saturated colors of my very will!

Not bad, eh?

As expected I hated the flying but the swimming and kicking around on beaches looking for stones and shells was nice. It was hot as hell, somewhere around 35 degrees Celsius, but all in all it was tolerable and at one point the water actually felt cold. Yes friends, I'm getting old.

So aside from my laptop being back in the shop again (this'll be the third hard drive), the other big changes won't be posted here. However, I won't leave you with only photos-- no no! In closing today I shall regale you with dark tales of El Bandito (me) and the Scarlet Wolf (Caroline), and their plot to overthrow the world.

Caroline: now that that's out of the way... how shall we take over the world this year?
cloud: Oooh, since you asked, I've been working on a thirteen step plan for this
Caroline: that's the best # of steps...
cloud: 1) Create a high-speed chase between myself and local authorities. Make sure I'm seen on the major highway here, going 150kph while shaving in the passenger-side sunshield mirror and attempting to drink a 32oz cup of coffee.
Caroline: as that's the obvious first step to world domination...
cloud: 2) End the chase in spectacular fashion, taking down no fewer than seven grannies on their morning mall-walk and ending my reign of terror, launched through the windshield, into Bed, Bath, and Beyond where I will land on a stack of pillows.
Caroline: lol!
Caroline: SWEET
cloud: 3) Plead guilty in my arraignment hearing, and also plead guilty to a devestating computer virus to which I have no connection.
cloud: 4) Once in prison, cause a ruckus large enough to be put in solitary confinement for a solid month. This ruckus will involve stuffed animals, cold porrige, and the teeth of an older inmate.
Caroline: okay whats step 5
cloud: Well, from here on out it gets complicated.
cloud: 5) Bribe a guard to smuggle in 16m of copper wiring, a handful of halogen bulbs, a steel cup, a knife, a copy of playboy, and a 9v battery.
Caroline: lol i almost read "in" a copy of playboy
Caroline: i was like, damn that's some copy
cloud: 6) Using the 9v as a source of heat, wrap the wire around the cup and melt crushed bits of glass from the bulb into a lense and a crystal. Use the remaining halogen element to burn a hole in the end of the cup, then affix the lense to one end and the crystal to the other.
Caroline: wow
Caroline: you know you're half way thru and you're not even out of jail yet
cloud: (I know; it's all part of the plan.)
Caroline: to keep them guessing til the end huh
cloud: 7) Again using the remaining halogen elements, forge a laser from all these items and begin drilling a hole into the ceiling of the solitary cell. Once through the building and into space, modulate the laser to become non-lethal.
cloud: 8 ) From the latest issue of playboy, decode the launch codes from the ads at the back (where all good launch codes are stored, just in case). Then send them to the satellites above with the laser in morse-code.
Caroline: lol
cloud: 9) Send the following message to the world leaders: "WILL USE AMERICAN STAR WARS SATELLITES TO DESTROY MAJOR CITIES. STOP. TO STOP THIS PLAN PLACE ONE TRILLION DOLLARS IN THE FOLLOWING NUMBERED ACCOUNTS. STOP. ATTEMPTING TO TRACE THE SOURCE OF THIS MESSAGE OR THE ACCOUNTS WILL RESULT IN GLOBAL ANNIHILATION OR A RACHEL RAY SPECIAL ON ALL CHANNELS. STOP."
Caroline: haha
cloud: 10) Verify the money has been transferred by hacking into the bank with my account, using a bounced signal across no less than 200 satellites and a domino's pizza truck.
cloud: 11) Wait. Eventually, the charges on my virus will be proven false (not enough evidence), and the grannies will walk again, so I'll only be in on charges of aggrivated vehicular assault. Plus, you know, being in the hole means you can't do anything but be on good behaviour.
Caroline: lol
cloud: 12) Swallow the laser. On leaving prison deposit it in the trash receptical at the back of a McDonald's, and place an anonymous tip that Ronald is using the money to construct hamburgers of ass destruction. Then use the ensuing confusion and checking of the McDonald's books to launder the stolen funds from my plan through Chipotle stocks. (Survive off Chipotle burritos for the duration of this step.)
cloud: 13) Using the funds, buy the major players in the world governments, and Rachel Ray as a backup threat, then use their standing armies to conquer the rest of the world. Place myself as global hegemon and you as Hegemon-elect. Write my memoires, totally no less than 17,000 pages of sex, violence, and the kind of cartoon comedy money usually can't buy. Retire in squallor.
Caroline: sweet
Caroline: pretty succinct, i must say
cloud: Well, i am a criminal genious